A bit of a giggle today with a visit to another of my batty old women.
Pootle and the Post Office Robbery
Hello Pootle, here’s your milk come on have a little tickle, that’s my lovey. Oh Pootle I don’t know what to do. They’ve all got it wrong you see. That nice Mr Edwards that reads the news, lovely ties and such a nice manner. But, you see Pootle they keep on and on and the police they don’t seem to know and it’s all such a worry.
Of course you don’t know, you don’t watch the news, mind you I don’t suppose many cats do. There was one on the television that seemed to, I did wonder though whether the dear little soul thought it was an aquarium but maybe not. Anyway the thing is that they are all saying that they took it away. Oh Pootle don’t look at me like that, I know I sound daft.
The little tabby stared with eyes the size of saucers, small saucers admittedly but wide and wondering as only little cat’s eyes can be. Jenny lowered her not insubstantial bulk into the dowdy chair and lifted the little ball of fur onto her lap.
The thing is you see my lovey, they all think that they took it away, the money. Nice Mr Edwards said that the post office had been raided and the robbers had got away with £50,000 and they didn’t. Oh they did the raid and of course that is wicked, very wicked but I was there I was by the bus stop. You know I can’t stand much any more Pootle and it had been such a busy day, so when I got to the bus stop I just had to sit for a minute and get my breath. Well that was when it happened you see, just then. Oh Pootle it was a shock it really was but, and don’t tell anyone this, of course I know you can’t you being a cat and all, but when it happened it was rather exciting as well.
There was such a bang, a huge big bang and crashing and then Mrs Patel screamed and it gave me such a turn. Always so lovely and obliging Mrs Patel and those beautiful saris, I know there are some as don’t like them but the colours are lovely and bright, oh there I go again loosing my track sorry Pootle. As I was saying she screamed and then the door flew open and crashed back against the wall and the alarm was going and it was just so awful. But that’s where they got it all wrong, you see they didn’t get away with it, the robbers. They did the raid and they had a gun Pootle and that is really awful of course, but they didn’t take the money away.
They ran out of the shop and it was such a flurry and a fuss. The police were coming, the sirens were making such a racket and people were staring and shouting and poor Mr Patel trying to get people to help and me there by the bus stop just watching it all. You know that shed at the back of the shops, where those naughty boys hide and smoke and spray paint on the walls well the big robber, the one with the blue jacket and his face all hidden behind a scarf, he threw the bag into the shed and then jumped in the car and off they sped.
The thing is you see Pootle, it must be still there. Unless the police have found it but they can’t have can they because Mr Edwards on the television keeps saying it’s gone and it hasn’t. Oh I don’t know what to do. You see the money really belongs to Mr Patel doesn’t it, then again maybe not, maybe it still belongs to the post office but then who is that. Oh dear it’s such a bother.
You know Pootle it’s always such a help talking to you and you’re quite right I should stop worrying about it all until I’ve had a good sleep and it’ll all seem better in the morning.
Hello puss, here you are, breakfast and I’ll just get my cup of tea, oh that’s lovely. Yes, yes, I know you want to know about the post office don’t you, well now I’ve had a good sleep and then a nice think and I know what to do. I’ll go this morning and see if the bag is still there in the shed. If it is I can tell Mr Patel and it’ll all be fine. You see puss all it needed was a good night’s sleep.
Oh Pootle you’ll never guess, I’m all of a flutter, You’ll never guess what I’ve done now. I went and had a look in the shed and it was there. The bag you silly puss, the bag. There it was all in the wet at the back of the shed, it was dreadfully smelly and nasty it really should be better looked after you know, but there we are. Well, I had my little trolley with me because I was going for the milk and before I knew what I was doing it was in there. In the trolley. Oh puss I’m sure I shouldn’t have done that, what do you think. Here now, you have a nice little gold tin of food while I make myself a cuppa and I think it will need a little tot of something in it, just for my nerves.
Well there it is, nasty smelly bag and look puss inside do you see all that money. I’ve never seen so much money, there’s hundreds and hundreds of pounds there must be. It’s getting all soggy in that nasty bag. Move over a bit while I just take it out and put it on the table. Let’s just dry it all out for that nice Mr Patel.
Oh yes I didn’t tell you did I. I was going to speak to him and tell him what happened but couldn’t. The door was shut and the windows were boarded and then there was coloured ribbon all around the place. There was a police car with a very young police man in and a young lady, so pretty in the uniform but it must be so hard for them to keep their hair tidy don’t you think. I was going to talk to them but they were busy having a cup of coffee and a little cake, one of those doughnuts and it did seem such a shame to disturb them. They must have to work so hard and it’s so nasty and cold out there today.
Well now puss there it all is, all piled up nice and neatly, isn’t there a lot. It’s all in bundles too. Don’t they look pretty? I should think we could just see how much there is, just for fun Pootle, should we?
Oh dear, now this is a conundrum isn’t it. What should we do about this? You see puss that nice Mr Edwards has been telling everyone that it was £50,000. I don’t know but it must have been Mr Patel who told him that, well maybe the police but then just the same Mr Patel must have told them and I have counted it twice now and no matter what I do it comes out at £80,000. What do you think I should do?
Well puss I just don’t know. You see Mr Patel is so very nice and helpful and I really don’t want to cause any trouble but there is something so very wrong. If I take this money and give it to the police then they might think Mr Patel is silly and can’t count and you know the post office people might be cross with him. Oh dear I’m finding it all quite puzzling. Yes you’re quite right, sleep on it.
Morning lovey, yes yes here’s your milk and just wait while I get my cup of tea and then you can come up here and warm my knees.
I did think about the money and I see now it is quite easy. What I shall do Pootle, I shall put the £50,000 back in the bag. It’s nice and dry now and I’ve brushed all the mud off and so I can take it and give it to that police chap in the car. That other money, the extra, I know what I can do with that, and I’m so pleased with this idea Pootle. You see I go to the post office and get my pension and so that money would be mine, well some of it would be. It would be sort of split up over the years but anyway it would be mine wouldn’t it. So, if I put it in the sideboard and then just take out my pension every week and the fuel payment and such like and then it will be just as if I’ve been to the post office. The nasty robbers will only be in trouble for £50,000 although I don’t know if that matters very much. Mr Patel won’t be in trouble because he can’t count and that nice Mr Edwards won’t look silly.
Oh Pootle you are naughty you know I should only take my pension every week that is what we agreed and here we are again dipping in. But then nobody seems to have missed it and it is such a lot of money. I have to keep on getting my pension so that nobody knows what I’ve done and so it’s so difficult to keep it under control. Well, why not go on have another little gold tin of food and let me have another little tot. Just for my nerves you know. Wasn’t that a lovely surprise the Post Office giving me that reward, who would have thought it. I don’t know it’s quite right what they always say. “If you’ve got a pig, you’ll get a pig.” Such a funny saying but quite right it seems.
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