Mary, Joe and the Baby


This was a winner in the Shortbread Christmas Competition last year and I hope they don’t mind me giving it another airing here.

Mary, Joe and the Baby

“Me toes are freezing.”

“Come ‘ere, give ‘em ‘ere an’ I’ll put ‘em under me coat.”

“Oh nice, that’s nice. Are you cold Jo?”

“Mmm a bit, just a bit, snuggle up and we’ll warm each other won’t we.”

“Lovely. This place in’t bad is it. I know it’s a bit wet in the kitchen and it dun’t have electric like the last squat but it’s not bad ‘ere.”

“No, an’ it feels safer I fink.”

“Yeah. Eh, what’s that noise?”

“Dunno, I’ll go look you stay ‘ere, stop under the blanket and keep warm.”…

‘Ere Mary look at this.”

“Wot, wot is it?”

“Well, it’s a baby.”

“Wot d’ya mean it’s a baby?”

“It’s a baby, I went out the back and this was by the step. All wrapped up in a blanket. Look it’s a little baby. It’s asleep though, aw, its cute look it’s got a teddy on its jammies.”

“Aw give it me, in’t it lovely. Where did it come from?”

“I dunno. Is it awright.”

“Yeah I think so, it’s wriggling a bit but it’s nice an’ warm and stuff.”

“What do reckon we should do wiv it?”

“I dunno. I don’t know about babies much.”

“I guess we should tek it down the police station.”

“I don’t like goin there.”

“Tell you wot, let me just go and see if there’s anyfing else outside. Aw ya know Mary ya look real cute cuddling it like that.”

“Ya daft sod, go and see wot’s outside.”…

Mary, Mary, quick put me blanket out. Look at this poor thing. God Mary I fink she’s bleedin. Are you alright love. Can ya ‘ear me?”

“Oh Joe, I reckon that’s the babbies mummy, ya know with that blood ‘n stuff.

“Look she’s got her eyes open.”…

“Mum, I want my mum. I’m scared, I had a baby. Where’s the baby.”

“It’s ‘ere love, it’s ‘ere. ‘Es alright Mary’s givin’ ‘im a cuddle.”

“’Ello love, I’m Mary. I fink you need an ambulance love.”

“No, no. Can you just ring my Mum? My ‘phone’s in my pocket.”

“Can you get it Joe?”

“’Ere it is love, you’ll have to work it, I don’t know ‘ow.”…

“Mum, hello it’s me Karen. Don’t cry mum, don’t cry. I’m alright, well Gary’s left me but I just had the baby. Yes, it’s a boy. Mum, can you come and get me I don’t feel very well.”…

“’Aw Joe, wasn’t that lovely. Wasn’t that lovely seein’ them ‘uggin’ each other and then all that cryin’ and now the baby’s got a mum a granny and an ‘ome.”

“Don’t you cry Mary, we’ll be awright, we will. Tell you what tomorrow we’ll go down the church. They give away a Christmas dinner. You’d like that.”

“I thought you din’t want to Joe.”

“Oh well it can be my present for you. Merry Christmas Mary.”

“Merry Christmas Joe and Merry Christmas little baby wherever you are I hope you ‘ave a lovely life.”

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