Tuesday 15th July. The day the stuff arrived.
I’ve decided I’d better write this down, well not write it but you know what I mean. I’m going to have to be careful about where I save it and so I guess if you’re reading this it’s all gone wrong in some way and now you’ve found it.
I wonder how you guessed my password.
So, I’m a bit scared, freaked out really if you want to know. I’ve never been brave, I suppose because I’ve never really needed to be. Actually that’s a good place to start this, bravery. See, the bravest person I know is my cousin. Now I don’t know why you’ve found this and it makes me sad that you have because it probably means I failed and if I’ve failed then my cousin is still having to be brave. I’m rambling a bit. I’ll try to stick to the point better.
Right, number one – my cousin. Jack. If you are one of the family reading my notes you know Jack. If this is somebody else like the police or a social worker or shit I don’t know, right now I can’t imagine who, then you might not know Jack, though you probably do. Everyone who gets involved with my family knows him. He’s cute, right now he’s ten. He uses a wheelchair and as I already said he’s brave and always happy and his life sucks it really does.
I don’t really understand what’s wrong with him, well anyone can see that he can’t walk and that he has to have a tube up his nose to help him to breathe and I know he’s spent more time in hospital in his ten years than anyone should have to but I’m not really sure how it all works, or rather doesn’t work in his case.
He’s brilliant though, it makes you feel rotten because he’s so brilliant. He should be miserable and whiny, I would be if I’d had to go through the stuff that he has but he’s not he’s always laughing and he’s great to be with. I’ll tell you what; it hurts, deep down when you think about his life. What hurts even more is that he won’t be around in another ten years, well probably not anyway.
Nobody really talks about that bit of it much, it’s too hard but we all know he won’t ever be a grown up, not really. He won’t get married, he’ll never have kids and all of that stuff. I don’t know about the others, you know Mum and Dad and Jack’s mum and dad but when I look at him I can’t help it, I think of that, all the time. See, I care about him so much that I don’t want him to be stuck in that chair and I don’t want him to be in hospital anymore and I don’t want him to die.
As I said I don’t know really what they call what’s wrong with him but what I know it’s to do with his mum and dad and some weird gene thing. If they hadn’t been who they are, if they hadn’t got together and had a baby then he wouldn’t have been the way that he is.
I wonder if you can see yet, what this is all about.
Well this bit is pretty easy to understand if you just think about it. If Chloe and Steve hadn’t had Jack then he wouldn’t have had to go through all he has and he wouldn’t be like he is and I wouldn’t be here with bloody tears running down my face at the thought of him dying.
Now, I know what everybody says, well he is here, he is like he is and so we just have to deal with it. I know that’s probably what you’re thinking , whoever you are, you police man or social worker or whatever, sitting there in your office or my bedroom or whatever and looking at this from your side of things but you don’t understand, you can’t possibly.
So, I have thought about it often. What’s the other alternative, the other option to dying. A daft question isn’t it but sometimes when I’ve spent the day with him and he’s not been well or we’ve had to go up to the hospital to see him attached to all those bloody machines and tubes and I think, I wish he didn’t have to put up with all that but then the only way he couldn’t is the worse thing, the very worst thing of all, that he’d be dead.
So I hate it, the unfairness of it, the hopelessness and yes, I admit it sometimes I think actually it would have been better if he’d never been born. There I’ve said it now and I bet you think I’m horrible, I feel horrible seeing it there on the page but it’s true.
So, I love him, he’s a great kid and I wish he’d never been born. But he was and there’s nothing to be done about it.
There’s so much though isn’t there that we don’t know, so much that they don’t tell us. We all know that stuff goes on that they keep secret, the government and the army and spies and so on and I’ve read books and I’ve seen films and I know that it’s all supposed to be make believe and fiction but then I thought what if it’s not. What if somewhere somebody has done it and nobody is allowed to know. Just imagine if somebody has already gone back in time. Well if you could go back in time you could make so many things right couldn’t you.
I started to read up about it, I read everything I could all the science stuff and the fiction stuff. It was confusing at first and I thought it was all just a load of crap. Then I suppose I got a bit obsessed about it and of course I went on the internet and surfed about. My machine has parental controls on it so there was a lot of stuff I couldn’t get to but that’s where Kyle came in, my mate who’s a computer geek and he showed me how to get past the controls and then I could get to everywhere and it was incredible the stuff I found.
So, that’s where it all started. I can’t write any more now it’s late and I’ve got a maths exam tomorrow and there’s stuff I have to do before I go any further with this but what I want to say is that the “stuff” arrived today. I’ve got it here in my hand. It’s a blue bottle. It’s made of glass and it’s heavier than it looks. It hasn’t got a label on it or anything but there’s red stuff round the lid and over the cork, something like wax to seal it. I get a bit scared looking at it but I’m going to do this, I am. First though I want to go and see Gran and Granddad and Jack, just in case. The bloke says I have to wait as well, I have to wait for instructions so that’s that.
I’ll write more tomorrow and if I’ve spoken to him again and it’s all ready I might do it.