Saturday 26th July
It was great on Thursday. We had a barbecue in the garden over at Steve and Chloe’s place, everybody was there and Jack was in pretty good form.
It was mainly family and just one or two of their friends and it wasn’t wild or anything, there was music and great food, Steve is a good cook actually.
They had some music playing but it was more about sitting about and talking and having a laugh. Course with it being a wedding anniversary there was a load of “Do you remember this and do your remember when we did that.”
I wasn’t born when they got married. I’ve seen some pictures but the older ones remembered it, my mum and dad and Gran and Granddad. They kept laughing about what everybody had worn and the speeches and stuff. The trouble was it all felt a bit weird because all the time I kept thinking, if I do what I’m going to do then this won’t happen. All the memories will be different. It was a downer to be honest. I kept thinking what a great bloke Steve is and how I’ll miss him but of course I won’t will I. It’s bloody confusing I’ll tell you that. By the end of the night I wished I hadn’t gone and I wished I’d already done it, the time thing.
Then there was Jack, he was in good form and we had a laugh, they have stuff specially for him and his chair and we played bowls on the lawn and he was laughing all the time. Oh yeah, I suppose I should mention, there’s nothing wrong with him mentally. That’s one of the things about people in wheelchairs isn’t it. Lots of times when we’re out together people behave as though he must be “special needs” or something but he’s not. Okay he’s missed a lot of school so he’s no genius, not like that Professor what’s his name but he’s all there is Jack and he’s a laugh. I’ll miss him, I don’t believe that I won’t remember him, I just don’t believe it.
Actually to be honest – and this is pretty big. I’ve almost decided to change my mind. I’m just gonna leave things as they are and make the best of it the same as everybody else. Watching them all as the sun went down in the garden and they all sat there laughing and joking I got choked up and I thought I’d just leave it. It is what it is and mostly it’s good.
Jack’s in hospital again. My mum just had a call from Chloe. He’s pretty bad I think and Mum and Dad are going up to see him.
Now see, this is what I mean about it all. One minute everything is great and we’re all having a laugh and the next it’s miserable and everybody’s worried. The rotten thing though is that it’s never going to go away except in the worst way. It’s not like somebody’s had an accident and they’ll get over it or flu or something and it’s not even like an old person, you kind of expect it then don’t you. I mean my gran and granddad aren’t old, well they are but you know not ancient, not like seventy or anything and so they’ll be around for ages yet and then when they’re really, really old I suppose we’ll be ready for it, when they’re, you know, not here any more.
This sucks, it really does.
Right, I’m gonna do it. I’m not going to chicken out, not now.
Am I scared? yeah I’m shit scared and I’m sad but it’s the right thing. I can do this for the family and for Jack and for Chloe and Steve. They can go on and they’ll never know what they didn’t have and they can get married to different people and probably have loads of kids and everything ordinary and normal.
I wish I could have seen Jack one more time. Then again, why? I mean I couldn’t say goodbye or anything could I so it would have just been weird and I’d have felt bad so that’s it. No more messing about and putting it off. I’m doing it.
I’ve left a message on the web site. I’ve told him I’m ready. I’m just sitting here waiting for an email, or whatever…
There’s somebody in the house. I’m not kidding, there is – oh Shit. It’s not Mum and Dad they’re probably still at the hospital and anyway I would have heard the car. My stupid brother is with Millie at her friend’s, they are staying the night and I’m on my own and there is somebody in the house.
Right I’m putting my phone on record and I’m going to have to go out of the bedroom. Oh bugger – or should I just call the cops. Trouble is I’m not supposed to be on my own and Mum and Dad will get into trouble.
I can hear them, there are footsteps on the stairs. Slow, coming up the stairs.
I’m turning the recorder on now.