Say Cheese

“Morning Mary, what can I do for you today?”


“Right, what sort?”


“Okay dokey, how much?”


“How much?”

“Don’t you know?”


“You should know.”

“How the hell can I know unless you tell me?”

“I can’t tell you.  I don’t know.  You should know, and anyway you shouldn’t blaspheme.”

“No, no quite right sorry but.  You’ll have to tell me.”

“I can’t.  How can I.”

“Oh now come on, don’t get upset.  Don’t start crying.  Just tell me now.  What do you want to do with it?”

“Eat it.”

“Well yes, I see that.  Eat it, yes I realise you’re going to eat it.  How are you going to eat it though?”


“The cheese.  How are you going to eat the cheese.”

“Erm, the usual way.”

“Oh, okay and what’s the usual way?”

“I put it in my mouth and chew.”

“Ha, ha – yes, course you do.  No what I meant was, are you going to cook it.  Red cheese is great for cooking.  A bit of cheese on toast you know, a Welsh Rarebit?”

““Rabbit?  I don’t eat rabbits, not little bunnies, how can you eat little bunnies?”

“No, no rabbit, there’s no rabbit it’s cheese.”

“So why is it called a rabbit?”

It’s not, it’s rarebit.  Nothing to do with rabbit, it’s cheese… oh never mind.  So what are you doing with it, the cheese?”

“I’m eating it?”

“Yes, yes but – oh okay.  Is it just for you?”



“Why do you want to know?  What’s it got to do with you?”

“Well no, nothing of course it’s just that Mrs Hardcastle said that she saw that young man from the garage, the one with the big ears…”

“Big ears?”

“Well maybe not big, p’raps his hair’s a bit short or – well anyway.”

“What’s it got to do with Mrs Hardcastle anyway?”

“Well nothing, it’s just that if you were having visitors, you might need more?”

“More what?”



“Yes, how much cheese do you want, what are you doing with it?  How many people are going to eat it – you know – how much?”

“Oh, I thought you were asking me how much it would cost.”

“Well, no.  I mean how would you know?”

“I wouldn’t.”

“No, well quite.”

“Tell you what weigh me half a pound of ham.”

“Right, right.  Half of ham.  Great ham yes, ham.”




Filed under Serials, Shorts and Stuff

2 responses to “Say Cheese

  1. Fran Macilvey

    Rather cute. Thank you, Diane! xx 🙂


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