The Flat Share

Chapter 20 

“Okay, so you’re telling me that, before the card in the shop window advertising for a flat mate, you had never met Samantha Turner?”

“Yeah, no I hadn’t.”

“And although she agreed to take the room she never actually stayed here?”

“No, well she might have done once but I’m not sure because she said she was, then in the middle of the night she was carting boxes up and down the stairs and so I don’t know if you can count that.”

“But, in spite of never staying here she gave you two months rent and contributed to the housekeeping?”

“Housekeeping, no, no.  She didn’t do that.”

“I thought you said she filled the freezer and bought wine?”

“Oh, yeah she did that, I thought you meant she’d done the dusting, which she didn’t.”

“Okay, right.  When you became aware of the boxes, you decided to have a look and that’s when you discovered they were drugs?”

“Yeah, although that was more Joanie than me.”

“Oh, thanks Charlie.”

“Oh, what? No I was just saying, you know.  I wouldn’t want him to think I was nosey, although I suppose I am but it was you, wasn’t it, it was you that opened that box?.  I’m glad you did of course, well actually, maybe I’m not but.”

“Ms Reid. Could you try and keep to the point?”

“Oh yeah, yeah, course, right.”

“So, then when Ms Turner discovered that you had opened the boxes she blackmailed you into agreeing to store them for you and to accept more?”

“Yeah, that’s when you came.  It’s a bit odd that by the way, I think it’s a bit odd anyway, isn’t that entrapment or something?  Don’t you think it’s odd Joanie, him being a policeman?”

“Yeah, I do, I said that already.  It’s all bloody odd if you ask me.”

“Ladies, please can we not go down that road again?  Police procedure isn’t really your concern.  Can we get back to the blackmail?”

“Look before we do that can I just say that I was very low.  Depressed, probably almost mentally ill actually.  Yeah, the balance of my mind was disturbed.”

“Really!”

“Yes.  I think so.”

“Why don’t you just tell me what happened, simply, slowly?”

“Okay, well I was feeling pretty miserable, no money, overdraft, well not really an overdraft because I hadn’t ever.”

“Simply!”

“Well it’s relevant, I think it’s relevant don’t you Joanie?”

“Not really, but you carry on.”

“Are you mad with me?  Is it about opening the box?”

“No, I’m not mad.  I’m just actually very, very tired.”

“Yeah.  Okay so, I went into Marks and I was just walking around and then I saw this bra.  It was really pretty, underwired.”

“Ahem.”

“Oh,yeah I suppose that’s not really… Well I don’t know what came over me. I’ve never, ever done anything like that before but, well.  I put it in my bag.”

“You stole it?”

“Well kinda.”

“Kinda?”

“Well yeah, you see I did but then when I got outside I got really scared and so I took it back.”

“You took it back?”

“Yeah, and hung it on a rack.”

“So, you didn’t steal it?”

“Well, to be absolutely honest I suppose I did but not for very long and I never put it on or anything so really I just took it out and then took it back.”

“So, you almost stole a bra.  How did this lead to blackmail?”

“Ah, well Sam –bloody- mantha had filmed me on her ‘phone.”

“Yes, and?”

“Erm well, she had film of me and then she stole a pile more underwear and put it in the drawers.  Also, she’d given me the money and bought food and wine and stuff.  She said that it’d make it look as though I, erm we, were involved.”

“I see.”

“Would it?”

“What?”

“Would it look as though we were involved?”

“Would taking a – bra – out of Marks and Spencer, taking it back in again, letting a room in your house and having a freezer full of frozen food make it appear that you were involved with an international drug smuggling organisation.  Well, to be honest I find it hard to see how.“However, this brings us to the next issue.  Why did you take the boxes back to the hospital and leave them in the derelict morgue?”

“The what?  Eurgh, the morgue, oh God.  I’ve been in a morgue, oh god, aah.”

“Ms Rook, calm down.  Please just sit down, where are you going?”

“Shower.”

“What? No you’re not, please sit down.”

“No way.  Oh no, I’ve been in a morgue, oh my god, no I’ll have to go and have a shower.”

“Ms Rook, Please sit down!  Ms Rook, come back.  Ms Rook.”

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The Flat Share

Chapter 19

“Good evening ladies, how are you.  Hello again Ms Reid, how’s the arm.”

“S’alright, bit sore, I’ve got some pills.”

“Yes, yes, good.  Now then, this is all very interesting isn’t it.  Would you like to take a seat Ms, erm?”

“Joanie, Rook.  No, I’ll stand thanks.”

“Oh, well fine, as you wish.  Now then.  You have been busy haven’t you?  My goodness you led us a bit of a dance and no mistake.  You really are going to have to fill me in.  I have to admit that we are totally bemused by your behaviour.”

“Okay, before we go any further, you’ve shown us your i.d. but who are you actually.  And what’s all this we, we business.  Who’s we and, come to that, what were you doing delivering stolen drugs here?  I think this is all bloody odd to be frank, how do we really know that you’re a police man anyway hmm?  Well, are you going to answer?”

“Okay, Ms Rook.  We, are a team who have been working on this drug scam for over a year.  We, are a squad of police officers who have spent countless hours and endless days and thousands of pounds of public money trying to track down all of you.  It seems that now we have had a small measure of success.  I have to admit that you have puzzled and confused us and that is why I am here now, not to put too fine a point on it, I, we, want to know just what’s going on now.  Why this change in arrangements and just exactly where do you ladies fit into the whole organisation?  You can talk to me now, you can come and talk down at the station, it’s up to you but you might as well start talking because we have you “Bang to Rights” as they used to say.  We have film of you with the drugs and I personally delivered boxes here to this address so let’s not mess about and waste time ok.”

“Oh, Joanie, erm.”

“It’s okay Charlie, leave this to me, yeah.  Okay Mr Policeman.  First of all we are not part of anything; we’re nothing to do with any organisation.  We are victims, here, well, me not so much but my friend, Charlie, she’s a victim of blackmail. So, what’re you gonna do about that eh?”

“Blackmail.  That’s a serious charge.  Ms Reid would you like to explain just exactly how you’ve been blackmailed and by whom?”

“Well, um – shall I Joanie, shall I just tell him all about it?”?

“You don’t seem to understand Ms Reid, your friend isn’t running this game, I am, I am a policeman.  The way that it usually works is that I ask you a question, you answer, we don’t often go through a third party.  Oh, unless of course your friend here is a solicitor in which case we can do this officially, I can arrest you if you think that’d work for you.  The other option is for you to just stop farting about and just answer my question.”

“Hey, are you allowed to use language like that? – You being a cop an’ all.”

“Ms Rook, I won’t tell you again, just sit down and shut up.  I don’t think you have yet realised that you are in serious trouble.  Sit down! shut up.”

“Hey, don’t speak to Joanie like that, you shouldn’t be so rude.  This is my house you know.”

“Bloody hell.  Right ladies, let’s stop all this.  Mr Rook please don’t speak again unless I speak to you first.  Ms Reid tell me why you think you’ve been blackmailed, without referring to anyone else.  Just for Christ’s sake tell me about the sodding blackmail.”

 

“Well, this is not the way they do it in Morse, I’ll bet I could get you into serious trouble yourself Constable, erm.”

“Thorp. Detective Sergeant Thorp.  I’m warning you now, you have just about gone as far as I am going to let you.  Start answering my questions or I will arrest you both now and you’ll be in the nick for the rest of the night.”

“Oh, well okay.  SOS and all that. God.  Right well it was all because of a bra.”

“Charlie.”

“What, oh have I got it wrong again Joanie.”

“Right, right that’s it, both of you get your coats, we’re going down to the station.”

“No, no, ow, ow, now look you made me move my arm.  I’m supposed to keep it still.  No, come on.  It’s been pretty awful has all this and Joanie’s only trying to help me.  I sometimes open my mouth and put my foot straight in it.  She’s only looking after me, she’s my best friend.”

“Please Ms Reid, don’t start crying.”

“Well, it’s all been horrible, and now I’ve got a broken arm.”

“Look, just tell me about the bra and the blackmail and how you became involved with Ms Turner.”

“Turner, who the – oh you must mean Sam – bloody – mantha. Well, that’s we call her anyway.”

“Okay, yes Samantha Turner.”

“Well, I was short of money.”

“Charlie.”

“Joanie?  Oh yeah, right, well okay, I advertised for a flat mate. To help with the bills, Samantha applied, she’s very pushy you know and so before I knew what was happening really she had taken the room.  Then she was never here, then she brought the boxes and then Joan – we opened them and then she came and saw us and then she just said that she was going to use the room for storage and we had to do as she told us and that was about it really.  Wasn’t it Joanie?”

“Blimey, how did you do that without taking a breath?  Yes, that was about it really officer.  We weren’t ever involved.”

“But, the blackmail, what about the blackmail?”

“Ah, well.  Let me tell this bit Joanie, you weren’t there after all.  That was the bra.”

“Bra?”

“Yeah, lace, M&S”

“Oh god.”

“Are you okay constable?”

“Detective Sergeant.”

“Oh yeah, sos.”

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The Flat Share

Chapter 18

“Here ya go love, here’s your pain killers, how’re you feeling now?”

“Not too bad really, I’m still a bit spacey from that stuff they gave me before they set my arm ya know.  Thanks.”

“D’ya want anything else?”

“No, no I’m okay really, don’t worry.  Look I mean it really; I don’t want you feeling bad.”

“God Charlie, how can I not feel bad?  I broke your bloody arm.”

“No, no you didn’t.  An accident broke my arm.  Honest it wasn’t your fault.  If it hadn’t been for me we wouldn’t ’a been in this fix in the first place would we.”

“No, I know but I still feel rotten about it.”

“Well don’t, okay.”

“Okay.”

“Anyway, listen – do you think it’ll have worked?”

“Well, I hope so.  We left the boxes of drugs in that room at the hospital.  Surely whoever finds ‘em is going to wonder where they came from and then they’ll have to start asking about and, well, you know.  The trail should lead back to Samantha and that should get her out of our hair.  That’s the idea anyway.”

“Fingers crossed then.  Thing is though, we won’t know will we, I mean how will we know whether or not they’ve been found.  It’s gonna be a bit grim just waiting and waiting isn’t it?”

“D’ya want to come back to mine for a bit.  Ya know with your arm and all, you could come and stay and then she won’t know where you are anyway.  Also, I can help you, cos after all at least until you get used to the plaster it’s going to be tricky isn’t it.”

“Well, that’s kind but what about Billy?”

“Well, what about him.”

“Well, it’s putting him out a bit really, and you haven’t got a spare room, with him having all his computer gaming stuff in your little bedroom.  No, I think I’d rather just stay here to be honest.  Thanks though, tell you what, you couldn’t stay for an extra night could you.”

“Yeah course I can, where are we now, Tuesday, oh sod it tell you what, I’ll stay till the weekend and then we’ll see what happens.  I’ll have to go into work but I’ll be back by just after half five and you should be able to manage during the day.”

“Yeah, I’ll need to ring them at the office in the morning.  I can’t face going in tomorrow so I’ll get sick leave till next week and then I’ll just have to see what we can work out.  I can go in and do light duties, the phone and what not.  Yeah, that’d be great if you stay till the weekend.  Thanks love.”

“Oh, shit that’s the door, I wonder if it’s Samantha. Oh but you gave her a key didn’t you?”

“Yeah, she usually just comes straight in. Look out the window.”

“Oh, it’s a bloke, a little bloke, wearing jeans and a brown jacket.  Any ideas?”

“No, no. I’m not expecting anyone.  Oh shit, has he got a lot of blonde hair, about five seven, skinny?”

“Yeah, that’s right, who is it.”

 

“Oh bloody hell, it’s the delivery bloke, the one who brought the drugs.”

“Oh shit, shit.  What are we gonna do now?”

“Erm, well, look, just don’t answer it.  He didn’t say he was coming back and so he doesn’t know we’re here. Oh, god he’s hammering again.  Oh shit that’s barmy Barry from downstairs opening the door.  Don’t let ‘im in Barry or I swear I’ll put dog poo through your letter box again.”

“Again?”

“What, oh er yes – long story, I’ll tell you sometime.  He deserved it anyway.”

“Bugger, he’s let him in.  He’s coming up the stairs. Oh what are we gonna do?”…

“Hello, hello.  I know there’s someone in. Would you open the door please?”

“No, bugger off. Go on piss off, we’re not letting you in.  Go on sod off slime ball.”

“Detective Sergeant Nick Thorp here madam, now come on open the door.”

“Oh Joanie, bloody hell fire, what now.”

“Okay, I’ll let him in.  We’ve no choice, but please Charlie, please keep your mouth shut okay.”

“Okay.”

“And Charlie, please stop crying.”

“Okay.”

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The Flat Share

Chapter 17

“Ladies, that door is closed, sorry, you need to go to the main entrance.”

“Oh, oh right, okay, thanks.  Thanks.”

“Security you know, have to lock all but the main doors at night.  Can I help you with those boxes?”

“No, no thanks, they’re not heavy.”

“Are you sure, they’re a bit bulky for you to manage.  Where are you going with them?”

“Erm, Maternity.  Free nappies.”

“Uh.”

“Yeah, that’s it, what my friend said, free nappies, a gift from erm Mum’s net.  You know the online thingy.  They’re bio-degradable, a trial thing.”

“It’s a bit late to be delivering those isn’t it though?”

“Yeah, yeah it is but we’ve been doing it all day, driven miles.  Anyway, thanks for the help, Main entrance this way is it?  – Come on Joanie.”

“Right ladies, take care now.”…

***

“Oh, thanks, bloody hell thanks Charlie.”

“What, what did I do.”

“You only told him my name didn’t you.”

“What, I didn’t, oh shit yes I did, hey hang on, slow down.”

“Idiot, bloody twerp.  Honestly, look we just need to dump these now and get out of here.  Come on in this door.”

“But, that’s not the main entrance; he said we should go in the main entrance.”

“Oh for heavens… look we don’t want to be seen – any more than we already have been anyway.  There’ll be cameras and more security and staff and even bloody sick people round by the main entrance.  Here, this door.  Hang on while I see if it’s open.  Shit, locked.”

“There’s a rubbish skip Joanie, couldn’t we just put em in there.”

“Yeah, yeah we could, but if we do that they’ll probably just be taken away and then Sam-bloody-mantha won’t be involved.  Do you see, one of the main things is that she has to be implicated?  Otherwise it’s just us against the delivery bloke and that could get nasty.”

“Look, over there, there’s an open window.  Could we push em through the window?”

“No, they won’t fit but if I get inside I can open the big one and then you can pass ‘em in to me.  Thank heavens for these crappy old buildings.”

“Oh bloody hell Joanie, this is getting really scary now, do you really want to do that?”

“No, of course I don’t want to but have you got a better idea?”

“Oh bugger.”

“Right, give me a leg up, if I can reach inside I can probably pull that catch off the little peg thingy.”

“Oof, ooof, God Joanie you’re heavier than you look.”

“Oh, nice, thank you so much, very nice.”

“Oh, no, what I meant was, well I didn’t mean you were heavy, well I mean.”

“Charlie, just shut up will you.”

“Okay.”

 

“Right, move out of the way, I don’t want to kick you, well actually I do right now but I won’t. Okay pass the first box up.”

“What is it, that room? Where are you?”

“It looks like some sort of a kitchen or a lab or something, anyway it’ll be a perfect place to leave the boxes.  Come on pass ‘em in.”

“Right, here ya’ go.” …

“Right, now just stand out of the way, I’m goin’ to have to slither out, be ready to catch me if I slip.”

“Okay, here we go, be careful Joanie…

“Aah, ow, ow, ow.  Oh god my arm, Joanie you landed on my arm.”

“Sorry, sorry, oh I’m sorry Charlie, are you okay.”

“Ow,ow, no, bloody hell – no, oh Joanie, I can’t move it, I think it’s broken.”

“Oh my god, oh Charlie, I’m so sorry.  Let me look, oh shit look it’s going black.  Come on, let’s get round to the main entrance, you need to get into A&E right now.  Oh, I’m so sorry Charlie.”

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The Flat Share

Chapter 16

“Right, now – I’m going to nip home and get the car and tell Billy I’m staying over with you, he won’t care he’s playing World of War Craft tonight.

While I’m gone I want you to take all those nicked undies and go through ‘em and take the tickets and labels off.  Take the ones in boxes out and so on.”

“Why?”

“Well, it just seems wrong to fling ‘em so I thought that we could take ‘em and put ‘em in the Sally Army clothes skip round by Tesco.”

“Brilliant.  Right I’ll do that.  Aaah, but wait, wait. What if the drug bloke, woman, person comes while you’re not here.  No, no, can’t I come with you?”

“No, you don’t want him turning up and not being able to get in.  If he does that, he’ll call Sam-bloody-mantha and then she’ll come round with the key and it’ll all go horribly wrong.  Don’t you understand, this whole plan hinges on him coming round on his own so that we can tell her ladyship that he never brought any more drugs?  We have to shift the spotlight from us to him.”

“Oh, yeah, I suppose. Don’t be long though.”

“For heavens sake Charlie, stop panicking.  Just tell yourself that the worst has happened and it’s all up from here.  Well, if the idea works that is.  Okay I’m off, I’ll be about an hour I should think.  If he comes before then let me know and I’ll scurry back so we can act quickly.”

“You know Joanie, I’m beginning to get the idea that you’re actually enjoying this.”

“No, no, ‘course I’m not, don’t be daft, why would you say that?”

“Well, it’s just that you’ve got a glint in your eye and you just seem quite excited.”

“No, no you’re just imagining it, right, let me go or I won’t be back in time.” …

“Hello, this is Joanie.”

“God Joanie I wish you wouldn’t answer your ‘phone like that it’s so naff.”

“Sorry, sorry can’t help it, it’s habit now.  At least I didn’t sing it did I?”

“Well no but the hint was there, anyway listen , he’s been.  He was only a little bloke.  He hardly said anything, just knocked on the door and then brought in six boxes.  He actually asked me where I wanted ‘em can you believe it.  Just as if he was delivering the Tesco shop.  Anyway, I just pointed to the spare room and he took the other boxes and left the new ones in the same place and then just went.  It was really weird.

“What shall I do now?”

“Just get them by the door so that we can be quick and then be ready.  I’m leaving now and then as soon as I get there we’ll stick the stuff in the car and then take it to the hospital and go to the clothes skip on the way, okay.”

“Yeah, okay.  Joanie.”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks, you know – just thanks.”

“Oh shut up.” …

“I think I’ll drive in the side entrance to the hospital, there’s a car park near to the out patients up there, least there used to be and we can nip straight in.  From what I remember there’s a little corridor there and some loos and stuff and we can just dump the boxes there and be out as quick as we can.”

“Right, there, there look, Patient and Visitor parking.  Oh bloody hell. I haven’t got any change with me.”

“What do you want change for?”

“The parking ticket, it’s pay and display here now.”

“What, shit, we haven’t got time for all that bollocks.  We’re supposed to be carrying out a covert operation here, we don’t have time for bloody parking tickets.”

“See, I knew you were enjoying it, covert operation, you are aren’t you, you’re enjoying it?”

“Oh shut up.  There’s a space over there.  Now when I stop you nip out and grab half the boxes, I’ll get the others, we dash in dump ‘em as quick as we can, out again and you know with luck it’ll all be over.  Ready.”

“Right, right, ready.”…

“Excuse me, excuse me ladies.  Just a moment please.  Er, ladies.”

“Oh shit, shit.  Joanie, it’s a security guard.”

“Oh bugger.”

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The Flat Share

Chapter 15

“Right, now – I’m going to nip home and get the car and tell Billy I’m staying over with you, he won’t care he’s playing World of War Craft tonight.

While I’m gone I want you to take all those nicked undies and go through ‘em and take the tickets and labels off.  Take the ones in boxes out and so on.”

“Why?”

“Well, it just seems wrong to fling ‘em so I thought that we could take ‘em and put ‘em in the Sally Army clothes skip round by Tesco.”

“Brilliant.  Right I’ll do that.  Aaah, but wait, wait. What if the drug bloke, woman, person comes while you’re not here.  No, no, can’t I come with you?”

“No, you don’t want him turning up and not being able to get in.  If he does that, he’ll call Sam-bloody-mantha and then she’ll come round with the key and it’ll all go horribly wrong.  Don’t you understand, this whole plan hinges on him coming round on his own so that we can tell her ladyship that he never brought any more drugs?  We have to shift the spotlight from us to him.”

“Oh, yeah, I suppose. Don’t be long though.”

“For heavens sake Charlie, stop panicking.  Just tell yourself that the worst has happened and it’s all up from here.  Well, if the idea works that is.  Okay I’m off, I’ll be about an hour I should think.  If he comes before then let me know and I’ll scurry back so we can act quickly.”

“You know Joanie, I’m beginning to get the idea that you’re actually enjoying this.”

“No, no, ‘course I’m not, don’t be daft, why would you say that?”

“Well, it’s just that you’ve got a glint in your eye and you just seem quite excited.”

“No, no you’re just imagining it, right, let me go or I won’t be back in time.” …

“Hello, this is Joanie.”

“God Joanie I wish you wouldn’t answer your ‘phone like that it’s so naff.”

“Sorry, sorry can’t help it, it’s habit now.  At least I didn’t sing it did I?”

“Well no but the hint was there, anyway listen , he’s been.  He was only a little bloke.  He hardly said anything, just knocked on the door and then brought in six boxes.  He actually asked me where I wanted ‘em can you believe it.  Just as if he was delivering the Tesco shop.  Anyway, I just pointed to the spare room and he took the other boxes and left the new ones in the same place and then just went.  It was really weird.

“What shall I do now?”

“Just get them by the door so that we can be quick and then be ready.  I’m leaving now and then as soon as I get there we’ll stick the stuff in the car and then take it to the hospital and go to the clothes skip on the way, okay.”

“Yeah, okay.  Joanie.”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks, you know – just thanks.”

“Oh shut up.” …

“I think I’ll drive in the side entrance to the hospital, there’s a car park near to the out patients up there, least there used to be and we can nip straight in.  From what I remember there’s a little corridor there and some loos and stuff and we can just dump the boxes there and be out as quick as we can.”

“Right, there, there look, Patient and Visitor parking.  Oh bloody hell. I haven’t got any change with me.”

“What do you want change for?”

“The parking ticket, it’s pay and display here now.”

“What, shit, we haven’t got time for all that bollocks.  We’re supposed to be carrying out a covert operation here, we don’t have time for bloody parking tickets.”

“See, I knew you were enjoying it, covert operation, you are aren’t you, you’re enjoying it?”

“Oh shut up.  There’s a space over there.  Now when I stop you nip out and grab half the boxes, I’ll get the others, we dash in dump ‘em as quick as we can, out again and you know with luck it’ll all be over.  Ready.”

“Right, right, ready.”…

“Excuse me, excuse me ladies.  Just a moment please.  Er, ladies.”

“Oh shit, shit.  Joanie, it’s a security guard.”

“Oh bugger.”

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The Flat Share

Chapter 15

“Tell you what Joanie, what if we burn ‘em?”

“Burn ‘em”

“Yeah, what if we just take those boxes out into the back alley and burn ‘em?”

“Well, what good would that do exactly?”

“They’d be gone, poof, up in smoke.  Problem solved.”

“Oh yeah, great idea.  Then when Sammy-bloody-mantha comes back we just say, oh sorry Samantha we decided that we didn’t like all your nasty, nicked boxes of pills cluttering up this nice guest room and so we burnt ‘em. Then she’ll say oh, okay, perfectly understandable, have a nice day.  Oh for Pete’s sake Charlie, get a grip will ya.  Bloody burn ‘em.”

“We could throw ‘em in the canal.”

“Charlie, listen to me, okay.  The problem is not four boxes of pills in the corner of your spare bedroom.  If that was the problem I would eat the bloody things between two slices of toast.”

“Would ya.  Oh, Joanie.”

“What!?”

“Would ya really eat them all, just to… oh I see.”

“Oh my god, what are you like?  Where’s your brain at, eh? I can’t believe you hold down a responsible job. No, look, we have to find a way to a. get out from under this bra thing and b. get rid of soddin’ Samantha and her mobile dispensary. You have to admit that she’s bloody clever, she tied you up and put a bow on top didn’t she.  All that food and drink, I knew there was something odd going on there.  Now, it looks for all the world as though you are either a heavy duty shop lifter or you’re involved in the drug thing.”

“But, I’m not.”

“Shit, Charlie, I know you’re not.  I was just talking it through, d’ya see, sorting it out in my mind.  There must be a way out of this.

“Okay, we could get rid of the food and drink, just fling it, we could do the same with the underwear and so on that she’s planted in the drawer, just take that out and burn it, then all she’s got really is that vid.  of you doin’ your stuff in Marks.”

“I suppose we could try and just get that off her, break the bloody i-phone, mind you I suppose she’s made copies.”

“Couldn’t we do the same.”

“Same, same as what?”

“Well, couldn’t we film her bringing the stuff, oh no wait she said that she’s not coming, it’s someone else.  We have to let them in and so… shit. Oh, god Joanie what have I got myself into.  I just wanted a treat, now all I want to do is curl up and hide, or run away.”

“Yeah, well neither of those is going to help now is it? Eureka, of course.”

“What, what.”

“We just take ‘em back.”

“Eh?”

“Okay, if there’s no pills here there’s no crime. If there’s no crime there can’t be any blackmail. What if we just take the pills back to the hospital, leave them somewhere and then just get rid of all the other stuff.  What’s she gonna do, go to the police with a video of you carryin’ a bra out of Marks and Spencers a week after it happened and say, ‘ooo officer I’ve had this evidence on my ‘phone for a week and now I feel all guilty about it.”

“There’s the money in the bank.”

“Oh for heaven’s sake even if they were interested they can’t link that to anything can they, she’s your flat mate, tell ‘em you borrowed it from her, I’ll back you up.”

“But, what about the bloke coming tonight.”

“That’s why it’s perfect, just perfect.  Okay, this could work.  We wait until the bloke comes tonight; we let him do whatever it is he’s going to do.  Presumably he’ll take some away and deliver some.  Sam-bloody- mantha said herself she wouldn’t be coming.  So, we let him take this lot, we grab the new lot, take em back to the hospital and leave ‘em there.  Okay, with me so far.”

“But, she’ll come back won’t she?”

“Depends, she might but then again if this works like I think it will she won’t have time, she’ll be so busy trying to get out of shit creek. Anyway if she does we tell her that he took the ones from here but didn’t bring any others.”

“She won’t believe us.”

“She will, she’ll know it’s true because they’ll be back at the hospital causing her all sorts of grief.  I’m a genius, repeat after me, Joanie, you’re a genius.”

“Joanie, you’re a genius. Oh, do you think it’ll work do ya?”

“Well, can you see why it wouldn’t?  We’ll have to do it straight away, tonight when he/she or it has gone, straight back to the hospital.  Are you with me?”

“But why do we have to take ‘em back, why can’t we just dump ‘em.”

“That’s the bit I like best actually. We believe she’s fiddled the books, she hasn’t just pinched these from the pharmacy, that would be stupid and probably impossible.  Now if we take these back it’s going to cause all sorts of mayhem because she’ll have to explain them.  We can just leave them out somewhere really obvious and then the questions will start and she’ll be in deep doo doo.   Also we are telling her that the whatever person tonight didn’t bring them, so if they’re at the hospital, trippin’ people up in the corridors it puts us in the clear.  They can’t be in the hospital and here can they. Not only will there be no drugs here, there’ll be far too many drugs at the hospital, total confusion.  My guess is she’ll be so screwed she won’t have time for you and your bra. Are you with me?”

“Yes, I’m scared stupid and a bit confused but yes, course I am.”

“High five Charlie, we’ll fix this, you’ll see.”

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The Flat Share

Chapter 14

“Bloody hell Joanie, what are we going to do?”

“We?”

“Oh, well, oh I see.  Well yes I guess it’s nothing to do with you really.  Still, um.”

“Don’t be stupid.  D’ya think I’d let ya down now.  No, we’ll sort this.  Shush now she’s coming back. Don’t say too much, let’s just try and put things off till we have a chance to think.”

“Now then ladies, that was a colleague of mine.  He’ll be coming round later tonight; we have some stock to rotate.”

“Samantha can I ask you a question?”

“You know Joanie this didn’t need to involve you, if you hadn’t been so bloody nosey.”

“Yeah, well.  Thing is though, why did you put that stupid lock on the door?  What was that all about?”

“Well, just think of it as a poster.  If I’d put a sign on the door saying keep out, you’d have thought I was odd and probably, well, kept out.  A lock though, a lock, I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist.  I wasn’t sure about you Charlotte, you’re a funny one and no mistake, I suppose you might have kept your nose out but not you Joanie, oh no, not you.”

“Okay, gloat if you want but I still don’t understand, why did you want us in here, why did you want us to know about it?”

“Don’t be obtuse.  Now you’re hooked, now you know, you can’t get away from it, and you can’t do anything about it.  Belt and braces I suppose, you’re accessories and so you can’t do anything.  It’s always a problem finding secure storage and this little flat is a god send.”

“But, why me Sammy.  I’ve never done anything like that before, never. How did you know, why did you pick on me?”

“Oh Charlie, you really are a dufus aren’t you.”

“Am I? I don’t know what that is.”

“I saw you in Marks, you slipped that bra in your bag.  God if you’d been wearing a great sandwich board saying ‘nick me’ it couldn’t have been clearer.  If it hadn’t been for the kid and the teddy you might have been nicked.  You probably would’ve been but there you are fate, karma, whatever.  I spotted you though and it was too good a chance to miss. I followed you, wasn’t sure how I was going to use you really but – well – straight into the net with that card advertising the share.  I must have been really good in a previous life to have such luck. Anyway we must move along. Okay, so the rules.  This is how we’re going to do it.  The stuff will be left here, you won’t touch it.  I’ll ignore that opened box for the moment.  There will be more stuff, it might be delivered by other people.  You won’t ask questions, you’ll let them in, you’ll mind your own business, you won’t interfere.”

“Bloody hell, just who do you think you are bitch.”

“Well Joanie, it seems that I’m the person with evidence of your friend’s shop lifting activities.”

“Okay, yeah.  You stupid cow Charlie, by the way. But, it’s only a bra, yes there’s the other bits but that doesn’t prove much, you only have video of the bra and she’s not going to jail for a bra.  She can plead stress, I’ll bet she’d get off with a couple of hours gardening for old ladies.”

“And the deposits in her bank account, the food in the freezer, the champagne and wine.  Oh yes, Charlie, I took the liberty of putting a few more bottles in the cupboard.  Don’t you think it’s going to look a bit odd when her account had been overdrawn regularly for the last few months.”

“Oh Samantha, please don’t do this, please.  I’ve never been in trouble before, I haven’t.  I’ll lose my job and everything.  Please don’t do this.”

“Sorry sweetie, can’t be helped it’s done.  Look just sit back and go along for the ride.  Tell you what if you like maybe we can reach some sort of financial arrangement.  Yeah, why not.  I would never have actually come to stay here, God, the very idea.  But, maybe we can just rent the room for storage.  What do you reckon?”

“No, bloody hell, no way.”

“Well okay.  Just thought I’d offer.  It doesn’t make any difference the stuff’s here, it’s staying here and that’s that.  Right, I’ll leave you now ladies, I’m sure you’ve got a lot to talk about.  See you later.  Don’t forget there’ll be a delivery tonight.  This is great, I don’t even have to arrange to be here.  Byeee.”

“Joanie.”

“Oh come on Charlie, don’t start crying that’s not going to help is it.  Look we’ll sort this, really we will.  Come on we’ll go downstairs and get a cuppa on and that’ll give me time to think.

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The Flat Share

flat share

This is my temporary cover and links to Authonomy.

Chapter 13

“Charlie, what’s this about, what the hell’s that vid?”

“Well, Charlie, are you going to tell Joanie all about it or shall I, or shall we just move along.”

“No, I’ll tell her, just give me a minute. Okay, look Joanie, I don’t know what happened, I really don’t.  I was in town, I was feeling pretty bloody fed up, no money, nowhere to go and, well you know what it’s like.  I tried to cheer myself up with a walk round the shops, I went into Marks and they had these lovely new bras and, well I just really, really liked them.  I wanted one, well to be honest I suppose I just wanted something, a treat.  I picked it up and it was so small and my bag was open and it just went in.”

“Oh, don’t just listen Joanie, look you can watch the whole thing in glorious Technicolor.”

“Shut up Samantha, just shut up. Let me tell her all of it, the next bit, you mean bitch.”

“What next bit Charlie, ignore Sammy just talk to me, we’ll deal with her later.  I just need to know what’s happened here because, to be honest, I feel out of my depth.”

“The next bit, and I don’t suppose you bothered to film this did you, Samantha?  The next bit, was when I was just outside.  The security guard yelled out, “Stop madam.” Or something like that anyway and I froze.  I can’t even begin to tell you how horrible it was, I was sure that he’d seen me, that I’d be arrested, lose my job, the embarrassment, well you know everything.  Anyway, it seemed to go on for ages and there I was just waiting for him to cuff me or something.”

“Oh for Pete’s sake, cuff you, where do you think this is Miami.”

“I was panicked and scared stupid, literally wetting myself.”

“Oh, oh no, too much information.”

“Sorry, sorry Joanie but do you see, do you see how scared I was.  Well eventually, I opened my eyes and there he was.  He hadn’t shouted at me at all, some little kid had dropped its teddy and he was just givin’ it back.  Well – and this is the bit that bitch face over there hasn’t told you. I was so relieved and everything that I went straight back into the shop and put the bra back.  Not right back on the rail, I was in too much of a state for that, but back on a hanger, then I came home.  It was horrible but I didn’t nick it.  Well, I kinda did but not really, I more, took it for a walk.”

“And so, Joanie and innocent little Charlie, if that’s the case, what do you reckon this is?”

“Oh, bloody hell.  That’s the bra.  You twisted sod, you evil bugger.  You went back in, is it, is it, is that the same one?”

“Well of course it’s the same one, it wouldn’t be evidence other wise.  Look here’s the little security tag, and the nice little price ticket all with the right numbers and date on to stand up to checking, oh dear, oh dear.  What will your mummy and daddy say when the police come.  Mind you, one little weeny bra isn’t much evidence is it, and so just to make it worth their while I brought a few chums along.  If you just open that drawer there.  Oh look, lots and lots of lovely undies, and my word what’s that, oh a couple of towels and, yes, yes, there we are a lovely set of cutlery.  All out of the nice bag you carried upstairs for me, so helpfully.  Oh my word, do you think your finger prints’ll be on the handle – oh golly what a mess.

“Now then about my little stash of pills.  Shall we have an informed discussion?”

 

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The Flat Share

Chapter 12

“No, no it’s okay, it’s only Barmy Barry downstairs, he always slams it, prat.”

“Phew, okay.  Now what are we going to do about this?”

“Do, how d’ya mean do.”

“Well, what’s our next step, how are we going to deal with this?”

“Oh, I see, well, we can put the lock back on and then not say anything, couldn’t we?”

“Oh for pity’s sake.”

“What.  Oh shit, well I don’t know, I’m just completely fed up of the whole bloody flat share thing now, I wish I’d never thought of it and if it hadn’t been for that bra I wouldn’t have.”

“Bra?”

“Hm.”

“Did you say bra?”

“Hmm.”

“What, in the name of erm, well, what on earth has a bra got to do with all of this?”

“Oh, shit, I can’t tell you.  I just can’t.  Don’t make me, please.  I really can’t.”

“You, are seriously disturbed, trust me on this, you are practically certifiable. Here we are in the middle of a drug trafficking situation and you start talking about your underwear, God.”

“No, no, I’m not, it’s not like that, anyway what do you mean drug trafficking, it’s not drugs it’s Viagra.”

“Er. Yeah, duh, that’s not drugs then!”

“Well, I mean it’s not like cocaine or heroin, shit it’s not even cannabis is it?”

“No, no it’s not, but – have you not wondered why it’s here?”

“Well, I erm, oh, I see what you mean.”

“Either she has got a whole herd of really naff, floppy boyfriends or there is something very dodgy going on.”

“Boyfriends?  Oh I see, yeah so she keeps a supply so that if they can’t get it up, whammoo, have some of this.”

“Yes, hundreds and hundreds of whamooos.”

“Hmm, it is a bit odd.”

“Look, as far as I’m aware this is prescription medication and that’s the only way that you can get it legally.”

“Well, yeah but you can get it on the internet, any time you want, well I mean shit we all get spam all the time, you must – we do.”

“And that’s because?”

“Erm, well I suppose because people want it.”

“And they can’t get it can they, so they sell it illegally.”

“Oh yeah. D’ya reckon that’s what she’s doin’ then.  Yeah that must be it, crikey, that’s a bit rich.  Her all Moet and ready meals and she’s a crim.”

“But the thing is where is she getting this in such quantities?”

“Hmm I hadn’t thought of that.  I don’t know how you’d go about buying this.  Blimey she must erm, oh.”

“Exactly, she works in a hospital.”

“Bloody Norah, she must be nicking it from the hospital.  Surely that’s impossible, they must have all sorts of checks and security and stuff, don’t they.”

“Well yes I should think so, but, she works in admin she said – there y’go, fiddle the paperwork and Bobs your box of Viagra.”

“What the hell are we goin’ to do.”

“D’ya know what Charlie, I haven’t got the foggiest idea, I really haven’t.  I suppose that really we should go to the police.”

“Hello, ladies, yes you could go to the police, of course you could.  But then how would you explain this.”

And there she was, large as life standing in the doorway holding out her i’phone, playing a video and guess who was the star, yep me, and guess who was the co-star, yep a very pretty lace bra, centre stage at M&S.

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