Its half past now, I think I’ve done everything. I tidied round, silly yes but, well that’s me. John always used to say, when we were going on holiday, “Why are you dusting? Are you making it clean for the burglars?” But when we came home and it was all tidy I knew it had been worth it.
Of course there’s no coming back this time is there. Hm, my tummy does back flips when I think of it. Strange, when I made the appointment, called the number last week I was very, very calm almost dead inside. Well you know I was numb. It was the day after the funeral and I couldn’t feel anything, a grey plastic film over everything. It’s still there now, but I focused on today and this and it has helped, it really has.
I didn’t think it would be like this. We had a pact you see, John and me, we agreed years ago. When the time came we would get some pills, pour some champagne. Have some lovely music and candlelight. We had it planned so well, we would eat as well as we were able, and then when we were ready go off together, with the sunset and the blackbird singing. John had even found out what pills were best and where to get them.
We thought there would be time, possibly some illness yes, but time, to prepare, we never thought it would be like this.
When the police came to the door, no, no, I can’t talk about it. People have said it will fade with time, I will accept and learn to handle it but I don’t want to you see, I just don’t want to. I know, oh yes I do know it’s selfish of me but I don’t care, for once in my life I don’t care.
I never would have thought there would be people willing to do this, it’s very brave of them. When I Googled it, I never thought for a moment there would be so many. It’s a strange and awful world in some ways but just for me now a blessing.
I’ve tidied round, I’ve taken the cat to Mrs Barraclough, she said she understood and that if I ever wanted her back to just say but I know that she’ll be happy. I’ve done a note for James, I hope he won’t hate me for this. I’ve tried to explain but he looked so bereft the other day, so much sorrow and I hate to add to it but he has his life, the children, he’ll be okay. I hope he’ll forgive me.
I wonder if I should have changed the bed, I didn’t because I didn’t want to leave dirty linen in the basket. Mind you I’m not going to be in bed, I want it to be here, in the living room looking out on the garden, I want it to be where we were happy. Oh don’t misunderstand, we had fun in the bedroom, hehe, oh yes, even in the last few years but the living room was where we talked and planned and were together in the lovely evenings. Just the two of us, close and calm just the way it should be. I want to sit here and watch the sun go down on the garden and go down with it.
The woman said she’d come at seven, just before sunset, she understood, about the garden and the blackbird song and drifting away with the day. It’s ten to seven, the money is on the table, and the glass of wine. I’m nervous, of course I am but a bit excited too, is that strange? No, no not strange at all. It’s as if John just went on ahead and now I’m going to meet him.
There’s a car drawing up now, there’s a clause, you sign a second paper, saying that no matter what you won’t back out. I understand that as well but it was a bit profound signing that. Oh there she is, oh she’s quite young, pretty. Used to be a nurse according to the site. Oh my knees are knocking. Still here we go, let’s get on with it. I am looking forward to seeing John again, it’s only been a few days but it’s been lonely doing this on my own. Still soon be back together.
“Oh hello, dear, hello. Come on in, just in time, there’s the blackbird now just starting to sing.”