Tag Archives: humour

Shakespeare and me

We were having a bit of fun recently writing poetry about Shakespeare’s characters. He would probably have bitten his thumb at us but not to worry – me and Will’s – bessies.

 

From The Scottish Play 

I’m peering at me Satnav

Glaring at me maps

I’ve asked the owls’ opinion

But they just scratched their caps

Last time I came up this way

Brinam wood was there

Just beyond the cow shed

Near the foxes lair

Now it’s gone down yonder

It’s driving me insane

The bloody trees and bushes

Have gone to Dunsinane

###

The Merchant of ?Venice???

Would you prefer some liver

Perhaps a bit of tripe

Could I press you to a sausage

The lovely spicy type

I’ll pop down to the chippy

Buy a bit of fish

Some pies, a quiche, a pasty

Anything but “this”

You don’t want lumps of human

Sitting on your plate

It’s tough and bland and stringy

With a flavour that you’d hate.

Or hang on just a minute

Look at what I’ve found

Down here in my pocket

A coupla thousand pound.

So, I’ll pay off all my owings

Clear my debt to you

Then let’s go and get bladdered

Can you do that as a Jew.

###

and the final insult to our dear dead friend

###

The Gravedigger from Hamlet

Diggin’ em up, when I’d planted em in

It’s a sin I can tells ya a blitherin sin

That Hamlet come traispin’, draggin a sigh

Rootin’ and ferklin, passin’ me by

Then as he sees it, grabbin’ it up

Bloodless old bone, nobbut but a brain cup

Then as I stands ‘ere, taking my ease

Restin’ my buttocks, easin’ my knees

‘E only starts rantin’, wailin’ with woe

How as ‘e knew ‘im, that Yorick you know

How as he loved ‘im, minded ‘im well

Laughed and guffawed at the jokes that he’d tell

How as he missed ‘im, missed ‘avin ‘im round

‘ow as it’s rotten, ‘im planted in ‘t’ ground

No sooner ‘e’s finished bemoaning that fate

Than ‘e starts on that new grave ower by ‘t’gate

The one I’ve been diggin’, in that hallowed ground

The one for that lass, the one they say drowned

They say it’s not right, that her death was a sin

I know nowt about that, I just slips em in

But princes and paupers and dead girls aside

It’s a rotten old world when there’s so much to ‘ide.

 

sorry Mr Shakespeare sir.

 

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The Flat Share

“Phew, that’s better.  God a morgue, just imagine, you couldn’t tell though.  It just looked like a big room with sinks and stuff.  It was big yeah but I just thought it was a kitchen, well maybe a lab with those funny taps.  ‘Course I didn’t hang around did I just dumped the boxes.– eurgh.

“Oh, where’s the copper gone?”

“He’s gone off to speak to some of the others in his team he said.  I told him all about it Joanie, everything that we’d done, well that I’d done really I suppose.  I told him that you’d only got involved trying to help me and that it wasn’t really anything to do with you.

“He said that in spite of everything he believed me, his exact words were “”Nobody could make this up so it must be true””  Anyway, he said that now that we’ve taken the boxes back to the hospital it’s screwed up most of their work because if they’re still in the hospital there hasn’t been a crime as such.  They know that Samantha is fiddling the books though and so that’s probably the only thing that they can get her with.  He said that, as the boxes are still there she’ll be able to claim it’s a mistake.  They’ll be able to investigate past orders and stuff though and he says that he hopes that eventually they’ll make some sort of case but as all the other drugs have already been sold it’s not as good as it should have been.  He said that his cover was blown anyway now because they couldn’t bring the stuff back here and so they’ve had to impound so they only have paper-trail evidence.  They had been planning to catch her actually handling the stuff and now, well now they can’t.”

“I told him that we were really sorry and that if we could do anything to help then we would.  He said that he thought we’d done quite enough.  I don’t think he meant it in a good way.”

“No, probably not.  Mind you looking on the bright side, I guess that means that it’s all over doesn’t it?  I mean he knows about the bra, he wasn’t that bothered, he knows that we didn’t do anything else illegal and so that’s about it really.  Hey, it’s over Charlie, don’t you see?  Now that they know everything, even if Samantha comes back she’s got no hold over you.  Mind you I don’t think we’ll see her again do you, not now?”

“No, I expect not, he said that they would probably cut their losses and start the inquiry tomorrow so that’s that.”

“Blimey, it’s been different I’ll say that.  Hey come on smile, it’s all over.”

“It is isn’t it?”

“Yeah.  Tomorrow I’ll talk to that girl at work and see if she’d like to come and share with you, if you still want me to.  She’s lovely and I’ve known her for ages.”

“Great, yeah, please.  Joanie, you really are the best friend anybody could have you know.  I’m sorry I put you through all of that, I really am.”

“Oh, go on what’re friends for eh?  Hey, I just thought of something.”

“What?”

“There’s a bottle of champagne in the fridge isn’t there?”

“Erm, yeah I think so.  It’s Samantha’s though.”

“Oh bloody hell Charlie go and get the buggering thing out, this calls for a celebration.”

“You know Joanie, you really should stop swearing.”

 

The End

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The Flat Share

Chapter 18

“Here ya go love, here’s your pain killers, how’re you feeling now?”

“Not too bad really, I’m still a bit spacey from that stuff they gave me before they set my arm ya know.  Thanks.”

“D’ya want anything else?”

“No, no I’m okay really, don’t worry.  Look I mean it really; I don’t want you feeling bad.”

“God Charlie, how can I not feel bad?  I broke your bloody arm.”

“No, no you didn’t.  An accident broke my arm.  Honest it wasn’t your fault.  If it hadn’t been for me we wouldn’t ’a been in this fix in the first place would we.”

“No, I know but I still feel rotten about it.”

“Well don’t, okay.”

“Okay.”

“Anyway, listen – do you think it’ll have worked?”

“Well, I hope so.  We left the boxes of drugs in that room at the hospital.  Surely whoever finds ‘em is going to wonder where they came from and then they’ll have to start asking about and, well, you know.  The trail should lead back to Samantha and that should get her out of our hair.  That’s the idea anyway.”

“Fingers crossed then.  Thing is though, we won’t know will we, I mean how will we know whether or not they’ve been found.  It’s gonna be a bit grim just waiting and waiting isn’t it?”

“D’ya want to come back to mine for a bit.  Ya know with your arm and all, you could come and stay and then she won’t know where you are anyway.  Also, I can help you, cos after all at least until you get used to the plaster it’s going to be tricky isn’t it.”

“Well, that’s kind but what about Billy?”

“Well, what about him.”

“Well, it’s putting him out a bit really, and you haven’t got a spare room, with him having all his computer gaming stuff in your little bedroom.  No, I think I’d rather just stay here to be honest.  Thanks though, tell you what, you couldn’t stay for an extra night could you.”

“Yeah course I can, where are we now, Tuesday, oh sod it tell you what, I’ll stay till the weekend and then we’ll see what happens.  I’ll have to go into work but I’ll be back by just after half five and you should be able to manage during the day.”

“Yeah, I’ll need to ring them at the office in the morning.  I can’t face going in tomorrow so I’ll get sick leave till next week and then I’ll just have to see what we can work out.  I can go in and do light duties, the phone and what not.  Yeah, that’d be great if you stay till the weekend.  Thanks love.”

“Oh, shit that’s the door, I wonder if it’s Samantha. Oh but you gave her a key didn’t you?”

“Yeah, she usually just comes straight in. Look out the window.”

“Oh, it’s a bloke, a little bloke, wearing jeans and a brown jacket.  Any ideas?”

“No, no. I’m not expecting anyone.  Oh shit, has he got a lot of blonde hair, about five seven, skinny?”

“Yeah, that’s right, who is it.”

 

“Oh bloody hell, it’s the delivery bloke, the one who brought the drugs.”

“Oh shit, shit.  What are we gonna do now?”

“Erm, well, look, just don’t answer it.  He didn’t say he was coming back and so he doesn’t know we’re here. Oh, god he’s hammering again.  Oh shit that’s barmy Barry from downstairs opening the door.  Don’t let ‘im in Barry or I swear I’ll put dog poo through your letter box again.”

“Again?”

“What, oh er yes – long story, I’ll tell you sometime.  He deserved it anyway.”

“Bugger, he’s let him in.  He’s coming up the stairs. Oh what are we gonna do?”…

“Hello, hello.  I know there’s someone in. Would you open the door please?”

“No, bugger off. Go on piss off, we’re not letting you in.  Go on sod off slime ball.”

“Detective Sergeant Nick Thorp here madam, now come on open the door.”

“Oh Joanie, bloody hell fire, what now.”

“Okay, I’ll let him in.  We’ve no choice, but please Charlie, please keep your mouth shut okay.”

“Okay.”

“And Charlie, please stop crying.”

“Okay.”

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The Flat Share

Chapter 17

“Ladies, that door is closed, sorry, you need to go to the main entrance.”

“Oh, oh right, okay, thanks.  Thanks.”

“Security you know, have to lock all but the main doors at night.  Can I help you with those boxes?”

“No, no thanks, they’re not heavy.”

“Are you sure, they’re a bit bulky for you to manage.  Where are you going with them?”

“Erm, Maternity.  Free nappies.”

“Uh.”

“Yeah, that’s it, what my friend said, free nappies, a gift from erm Mum’s net.  You know the online thingy.  They’re bio-degradable, a trial thing.”

“It’s a bit late to be delivering those isn’t it though?”

“Yeah, yeah it is but we’ve been doing it all day, driven miles.  Anyway, thanks for the help, Main entrance this way is it?  – Come on Joanie.”

“Right ladies, take care now.”…

***

“Oh, thanks, bloody hell thanks Charlie.”

“What, what did I do.”

“You only told him my name didn’t you.”

“What, I didn’t, oh shit yes I did, hey hang on, slow down.”

“Idiot, bloody twerp.  Honestly, look we just need to dump these now and get out of here.  Come on in this door.”

“But, that’s not the main entrance; he said we should go in the main entrance.”

“Oh for heavens… look we don’t want to be seen – any more than we already have been anyway.  There’ll be cameras and more security and staff and even bloody sick people round by the main entrance.  Here, this door.  Hang on while I see if it’s open.  Shit, locked.”

“There’s a rubbish skip Joanie, couldn’t we just put em in there.”

“Yeah, yeah we could, but if we do that they’ll probably just be taken away and then Sam-bloody-mantha won’t be involved.  Do you see, one of the main things is that she has to be implicated?  Otherwise it’s just us against the delivery bloke and that could get nasty.”

“Look, over there, there’s an open window.  Could we push em through the window?”

“No, they won’t fit but if I get inside I can open the big one and then you can pass ‘em in to me.  Thank heavens for these crappy old buildings.”

“Oh bloody hell Joanie, this is getting really scary now, do you really want to do that?”

“No, of course I don’t want to but have you got a better idea?”

“Oh bugger.”

“Right, give me a leg up, if I can reach inside I can probably pull that catch off the little peg thingy.”

“Oof, ooof, God Joanie you’re heavier than you look.”

“Oh, nice, thank you so much, very nice.”

“Oh, no, what I meant was, well I didn’t mean you were heavy, well I mean.”

“Charlie, just shut up will you.”

“Okay.”

 

“Right, move out of the way, I don’t want to kick you, well actually I do right now but I won’t. Okay pass the first box up.”

“What is it, that room? Where are you?”

“It looks like some sort of a kitchen or a lab or something, anyway it’ll be a perfect place to leave the boxes.  Come on pass ‘em in.”

“Right, here ya’ go.” …

“Right, now just stand out of the way, I’m goin’ to have to slither out, be ready to catch me if I slip.”

“Okay, here we go, be careful Joanie…

“Aah, ow, ow, ow.  Oh god my arm, Joanie you landed on my arm.”

“Sorry, sorry, oh I’m sorry Charlie, are you okay.”

“Ow,ow, no, bloody hell – no, oh Joanie, I can’t move it, I think it’s broken.”

“Oh my god, oh Charlie, I’m so sorry.  Let me look, oh shit look it’s going black.  Come on, let’s get round to the main entrance, you need to get into A&E right now.  Oh, I’m so sorry Charlie.”

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The Flat Share

Chapter 16

“Right, now – I’m going to nip home and get the car and tell Billy I’m staying over with you, he won’t care he’s playing World of War Craft tonight.

While I’m gone I want you to take all those nicked undies and go through ‘em and take the tickets and labels off.  Take the ones in boxes out and so on.”

“Why?”

“Well, it just seems wrong to fling ‘em so I thought that we could take ‘em and put ‘em in the Sally Army clothes skip round by Tesco.”

“Brilliant.  Right I’ll do that.  Aaah, but wait, wait. What if the drug bloke, woman, person comes while you’re not here.  No, no, can’t I come with you?”

“No, you don’t want him turning up and not being able to get in.  If he does that, he’ll call Sam-bloody-mantha and then she’ll come round with the key and it’ll all go horribly wrong.  Don’t you understand, this whole plan hinges on him coming round on his own so that we can tell her ladyship that he never brought any more drugs?  We have to shift the spotlight from us to him.”

“Oh, yeah, I suppose. Don’t be long though.”

“For heavens sake Charlie, stop panicking.  Just tell yourself that the worst has happened and it’s all up from here.  Well, if the idea works that is.  Okay I’m off, I’ll be about an hour I should think.  If he comes before then let me know and I’ll scurry back so we can act quickly.”

“You know Joanie, I’m beginning to get the idea that you’re actually enjoying this.”

“No, no, ‘course I’m not, don’t be daft, why would you say that?”

“Well, it’s just that you’ve got a glint in your eye and you just seem quite excited.”

“No, no you’re just imagining it, right, let me go or I won’t be back in time.” …

“Hello, this is Joanie.”

“God Joanie I wish you wouldn’t answer your ‘phone like that it’s so naff.”

“Sorry, sorry can’t help it, it’s habit now.  At least I didn’t sing it did I?”

“Well no but the hint was there, anyway listen , he’s been.  He was only a little bloke.  He hardly said anything, just knocked on the door and then brought in six boxes.  He actually asked me where I wanted ‘em can you believe it.  Just as if he was delivering the Tesco shop.  Anyway, I just pointed to the spare room and he took the other boxes and left the new ones in the same place and then just went.  It was really weird.

“What shall I do now?”

“Just get them by the door so that we can be quick and then be ready.  I’m leaving now and then as soon as I get there we’ll stick the stuff in the car and then take it to the hospital and go to the clothes skip on the way, okay.”

“Yeah, okay.  Joanie.”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks, you know – just thanks.”

“Oh shut up.” …

“I think I’ll drive in the side entrance to the hospital, there’s a car park near to the out patients up there, least there used to be and we can nip straight in.  From what I remember there’s a little corridor there and some loos and stuff and we can just dump the boxes there and be out as quick as we can.”

“Right, there, there look, Patient and Visitor parking.  Oh bloody hell. I haven’t got any change with me.”

“What do you want change for?”

“The parking ticket, it’s pay and display here now.”

“What, shit, we haven’t got time for all that bollocks.  We’re supposed to be carrying out a covert operation here, we don’t have time for bloody parking tickets.”

“See, I knew you were enjoying it, covert operation, you are aren’t you, you’re enjoying it?”

“Oh shut up.  There’s a space over there.  Now when I stop you nip out and grab half the boxes, I’ll get the others, we dash in dump ‘em as quick as we can, out again and you know with luck it’ll all be over.  Ready.”

“Right, right, ready.”…

“Excuse me, excuse me ladies.  Just a moment please.  Er, ladies.”

“Oh shit, shit.  Joanie, it’s a security guard.”

“Oh bugger.”

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The Flat Share

Chapter 15

“Right, now – I’m going to nip home and get the car and tell Billy I’m staying over with you, he won’t care he’s playing World of War Craft tonight.

While I’m gone I want you to take all those nicked undies and go through ‘em and take the tickets and labels off.  Take the ones in boxes out and so on.”

“Why?”

“Well, it just seems wrong to fling ‘em so I thought that we could take ‘em and put ‘em in the Sally Army clothes skip round by Tesco.”

“Brilliant.  Right I’ll do that.  Aaah, but wait, wait. What if the drug bloke, woman, person comes while you’re not here.  No, no, can’t I come with you?”

“No, you don’t want him turning up and not being able to get in.  If he does that, he’ll call Sam-bloody-mantha and then she’ll come round with the key and it’ll all go horribly wrong.  Don’t you understand, this whole plan hinges on him coming round on his own so that we can tell her ladyship that he never brought any more drugs?  We have to shift the spotlight from us to him.”

“Oh, yeah, I suppose. Don’t be long though.”

“For heavens sake Charlie, stop panicking.  Just tell yourself that the worst has happened and it’s all up from here.  Well, if the idea works that is.  Okay I’m off, I’ll be about an hour I should think.  If he comes before then let me know and I’ll scurry back so we can act quickly.”

“You know Joanie, I’m beginning to get the idea that you’re actually enjoying this.”

“No, no, ‘course I’m not, don’t be daft, why would you say that?”

“Well, it’s just that you’ve got a glint in your eye and you just seem quite excited.”

“No, no you’re just imagining it, right, let me go or I won’t be back in time.” …

“Hello, this is Joanie.”

“God Joanie I wish you wouldn’t answer your ‘phone like that it’s so naff.”

“Sorry, sorry can’t help it, it’s habit now.  At least I didn’t sing it did I?”

“Well no but the hint was there, anyway listen , he’s been.  He was only a little bloke.  He hardly said anything, just knocked on the door and then brought in six boxes.  He actually asked me where I wanted ‘em can you believe it.  Just as if he was delivering the Tesco shop.  Anyway, I just pointed to the spare room and he took the other boxes and left the new ones in the same place and then just went.  It was really weird.

“What shall I do now?”

“Just get them by the door so that we can be quick and then be ready.  I’m leaving now and then as soon as I get there we’ll stick the stuff in the car and then take it to the hospital and go to the clothes skip on the way, okay.”

“Yeah, okay.  Joanie.”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks, you know – just thanks.”

“Oh shut up.” …

“I think I’ll drive in the side entrance to the hospital, there’s a car park near to the out patients up there, least there used to be and we can nip straight in.  From what I remember there’s a little corridor there and some loos and stuff and we can just dump the boxes there and be out as quick as we can.”

“Right, there, there look, Patient and Visitor parking.  Oh bloody hell. I haven’t got any change with me.”

“What do you want change for?”

“The parking ticket, it’s pay and display here now.”

“What, shit, we haven’t got time for all that bollocks.  We’re supposed to be carrying out a covert operation here, we don’t have time for bloody parking tickets.”

“See, I knew you were enjoying it, covert operation, you are aren’t you, you’re enjoying it?”

“Oh shut up.  There’s a space over there.  Now when I stop you nip out and grab half the boxes, I’ll get the others, we dash in dump ‘em as quick as we can, out again and you know with luck it’ll all be over.  Ready.”

“Right, right, ready.”…

“Excuse me, excuse me ladies.  Just a moment please.  Er, ladies.”

“Oh shit, shit.  Joanie, it’s a security guard.”

“Oh bugger.”

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The Flat Share

Chapter 15

“Tell you what Joanie, what if we burn ‘em?”

“Burn ‘em”

“Yeah, what if we just take those boxes out into the back alley and burn ‘em?”

“Well, what good would that do exactly?”

“They’d be gone, poof, up in smoke.  Problem solved.”

“Oh yeah, great idea.  Then when Sammy-bloody-mantha comes back we just say, oh sorry Samantha we decided that we didn’t like all your nasty, nicked boxes of pills cluttering up this nice guest room and so we burnt ‘em. Then she’ll say oh, okay, perfectly understandable, have a nice day.  Oh for Pete’s sake Charlie, get a grip will ya.  Bloody burn ‘em.”

“We could throw ‘em in the canal.”

“Charlie, listen to me, okay.  The problem is not four boxes of pills in the corner of your spare bedroom.  If that was the problem I would eat the bloody things between two slices of toast.”

“Would ya.  Oh, Joanie.”

“What!?”

“Would ya really eat them all, just to… oh I see.”

“Oh my god, what are you like?  Where’s your brain at, eh? I can’t believe you hold down a responsible job. No, look, we have to find a way to a. get out from under this bra thing and b. get rid of soddin’ Samantha and her mobile dispensary. You have to admit that she’s bloody clever, she tied you up and put a bow on top didn’t she.  All that food and drink, I knew there was something odd going on there.  Now, it looks for all the world as though you are either a heavy duty shop lifter or you’re involved in the drug thing.”

“But, I’m not.”

“Shit, Charlie, I know you’re not.  I was just talking it through, d’ya see, sorting it out in my mind.  There must be a way out of this.

“Okay, we could get rid of the food and drink, just fling it, we could do the same with the underwear and so on that she’s planted in the drawer, just take that out and burn it, then all she’s got really is that vid.  of you doin’ your stuff in Marks.”

“I suppose we could try and just get that off her, break the bloody i-phone, mind you I suppose she’s made copies.”

“Couldn’t we do the same.”

“Same, same as what?”

“Well, couldn’t we film her bringing the stuff, oh no wait she said that she’s not coming, it’s someone else.  We have to let them in and so… shit. Oh, god Joanie what have I got myself into.  I just wanted a treat, now all I want to do is curl up and hide, or run away.”

“Yeah, well neither of those is going to help now is it? Eureka, of course.”

“What, what.”

“We just take ‘em back.”

“Eh?”

“Okay, if there’s no pills here there’s no crime. If there’s no crime there can’t be any blackmail. What if we just take the pills back to the hospital, leave them somewhere and then just get rid of all the other stuff.  What’s she gonna do, go to the police with a video of you carryin’ a bra out of Marks and Spencers a week after it happened and say, ‘ooo officer I’ve had this evidence on my ‘phone for a week and now I feel all guilty about it.”

“There’s the money in the bank.”

“Oh for heaven’s sake even if they were interested they can’t link that to anything can they, she’s your flat mate, tell ‘em you borrowed it from her, I’ll back you up.”

“But, what about the bloke coming tonight.”

“That’s why it’s perfect, just perfect.  Okay, this could work.  We wait until the bloke comes tonight; we let him do whatever it is he’s going to do.  Presumably he’ll take some away and deliver some.  Sam-bloody- mantha said herself she wouldn’t be coming.  So, we let him take this lot, we grab the new lot, take em back to the hospital and leave ‘em there.  Okay, with me so far.”

“But, she’ll come back won’t she?”

“Depends, she might but then again if this works like I think it will she won’t have time, she’ll be so busy trying to get out of shit creek. Anyway if she does we tell her that he took the ones from here but didn’t bring any others.”

“She won’t believe us.”

“She will, she’ll know it’s true because they’ll be back at the hospital causing her all sorts of grief.  I’m a genius, repeat after me, Joanie, you’re a genius.”

“Joanie, you’re a genius. Oh, do you think it’ll work do ya?”

“Well, can you see why it wouldn’t?  We’ll have to do it straight away, tonight when he/she or it has gone, straight back to the hospital.  Are you with me?”

“But why do we have to take ‘em back, why can’t we just dump ‘em.”

“That’s the bit I like best actually. We believe she’s fiddled the books, she hasn’t just pinched these from the pharmacy, that would be stupid and probably impossible.  Now if we take these back it’s going to cause all sorts of mayhem because she’ll have to explain them.  We can just leave them out somewhere really obvious and then the questions will start and she’ll be in deep doo doo.   Also we are telling her that the whatever person tonight didn’t bring them, so if they’re at the hospital, trippin’ people up in the corridors it puts us in the clear.  They can’t be in the hospital and here can they. Not only will there be no drugs here, there’ll be far too many drugs at the hospital, total confusion.  My guess is she’ll be so screwed she won’t have time for you and your bra. Are you with me?”

“Yes, I’m scared stupid and a bit confused but yes, course I am.”

“High five Charlie, we’ll fix this, you’ll see.”

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The Flat Share

Chapter 14

“Bloody hell Joanie, what are we going to do?”

“We?”

“Oh, well, oh I see.  Well yes I guess it’s nothing to do with you really.  Still, um.”

“Don’t be stupid.  D’ya think I’d let ya down now.  No, we’ll sort this.  Shush now she’s coming back. Don’t say too much, let’s just try and put things off till we have a chance to think.”

“Now then ladies, that was a colleague of mine.  He’ll be coming round later tonight; we have some stock to rotate.”

“Samantha can I ask you a question?”

“You know Joanie this didn’t need to involve you, if you hadn’t been so bloody nosey.”

“Yeah, well.  Thing is though, why did you put that stupid lock on the door?  What was that all about?”

“Well, just think of it as a poster.  If I’d put a sign on the door saying keep out, you’d have thought I was odd and probably, well, kept out.  A lock though, a lock, I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist.  I wasn’t sure about you Charlotte, you’re a funny one and no mistake, I suppose you might have kept your nose out but not you Joanie, oh no, not you.”

“Okay, gloat if you want but I still don’t understand, why did you want us in here, why did you want us to know about it?”

“Don’t be obtuse.  Now you’re hooked, now you know, you can’t get away from it, and you can’t do anything about it.  Belt and braces I suppose, you’re accessories and so you can’t do anything.  It’s always a problem finding secure storage and this little flat is a god send.”

“But, why me Sammy.  I’ve never done anything like that before, never. How did you know, why did you pick on me?”

“Oh Charlie, you really are a dufus aren’t you.”

“Am I? I don’t know what that is.”

“I saw you in Marks, you slipped that bra in your bag.  God if you’d been wearing a great sandwich board saying ‘nick me’ it couldn’t have been clearer.  If it hadn’t been for the kid and the teddy you might have been nicked.  You probably would’ve been but there you are fate, karma, whatever.  I spotted you though and it was too good a chance to miss. I followed you, wasn’t sure how I was going to use you really but – well – straight into the net with that card advertising the share.  I must have been really good in a previous life to have such luck. Anyway we must move along. Okay, so the rules.  This is how we’re going to do it.  The stuff will be left here, you won’t touch it.  I’ll ignore that opened box for the moment.  There will be more stuff, it might be delivered by other people.  You won’t ask questions, you’ll let them in, you’ll mind your own business, you won’t interfere.”

“Bloody hell, just who do you think you are bitch.”

“Well Joanie, it seems that I’m the person with evidence of your friend’s shop lifting activities.”

“Okay, yeah.  You stupid cow Charlie, by the way. But, it’s only a bra, yes there’s the other bits but that doesn’t prove much, you only have video of the bra and she’s not going to jail for a bra.  She can plead stress, I’ll bet she’d get off with a couple of hours gardening for old ladies.”

“And the deposits in her bank account, the food in the freezer, the champagne and wine.  Oh yes, Charlie, I took the liberty of putting a few more bottles in the cupboard.  Don’t you think it’s going to look a bit odd when her account had been overdrawn regularly for the last few months.”

“Oh Samantha, please don’t do this, please.  I’ve never been in trouble before, I haven’t.  I’ll lose my job and everything.  Please don’t do this.”

“Sorry sweetie, can’t be helped it’s done.  Look just sit back and go along for the ride.  Tell you what if you like maybe we can reach some sort of financial arrangement.  Yeah, why not.  I would never have actually come to stay here, God, the very idea.  But, maybe we can just rent the room for storage.  What do you reckon?”

“No, bloody hell, no way.”

“Well okay.  Just thought I’d offer.  It doesn’t make any difference the stuff’s here, it’s staying here and that’s that.  Right, I’ll leave you now ladies, I’m sure you’ve got a lot to talk about.  See you later.  Don’t forget there’ll be a delivery tonight.  This is great, I don’t even have to arrange to be here.  Byeee.”

“Joanie.”

“Oh come on Charlie, don’t start crying that’s not going to help is it.  Look we’ll sort this, really we will.  Come on we’ll go downstairs and get a cuppa on and that’ll give me time to think.

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The Flat Share

flat share

This is my temporary cover and links to Authonomy.

Chapter 13

“Charlie, what’s this about, what the hell’s that vid?”

“Well, Charlie, are you going to tell Joanie all about it or shall I, or shall we just move along.”

“No, I’ll tell her, just give me a minute. Okay, look Joanie, I don’t know what happened, I really don’t.  I was in town, I was feeling pretty bloody fed up, no money, nowhere to go and, well you know what it’s like.  I tried to cheer myself up with a walk round the shops, I went into Marks and they had these lovely new bras and, well I just really, really liked them.  I wanted one, well to be honest I suppose I just wanted something, a treat.  I picked it up and it was so small and my bag was open and it just went in.”

“Oh, don’t just listen Joanie, look you can watch the whole thing in glorious Technicolor.”

“Shut up Samantha, just shut up. Let me tell her all of it, the next bit, you mean bitch.”

“What next bit Charlie, ignore Sammy just talk to me, we’ll deal with her later.  I just need to know what’s happened here because, to be honest, I feel out of my depth.”

“The next bit, and I don’t suppose you bothered to film this did you, Samantha?  The next bit, was when I was just outside.  The security guard yelled out, “Stop madam.” Or something like that anyway and I froze.  I can’t even begin to tell you how horrible it was, I was sure that he’d seen me, that I’d be arrested, lose my job, the embarrassment, well you know everything.  Anyway, it seemed to go on for ages and there I was just waiting for him to cuff me or something.”

“Oh for Pete’s sake, cuff you, where do you think this is Miami.”

“I was panicked and scared stupid, literally wetting myself.”

“Oh, oh no, too much information.”

“Sorry, sorry Joanie but do you see, do you see how scared I was.  Well eventually, I opened my eyes and there he was.  He hadn’t shouted at me at all, some little kid had dropped its teddy and he was just givin’ it back.  Well – and this is the bit that bitch face over there hasn’t told you. I was so relieved and everything that I went straight back into the shop and put the bra back.  Not right back on the rail, I was in too much of a state for that, but back on a hanger, then I came home.  It was horrible but I didn’t nick it.  Well, I kinda did but not really, I more, took it for a walk.”

“And so, Joanie and innocent little Charlie, if that’s the case, what do you reckon this is?”

“Oh, bloody hell.  That’s the bra.  You twisted sod, you evil bugger.  You went back in, is it, is it, is that the same one?”

“Well of course it’s the same one, it wouldn’t be evidence other wise.  Look here’s the little security tag, and the nice little price ticket all with the right numbers and date on to stand up to checking, oh dear, oh dear.  What will your mummy and daddy say when the police come.  Mind you, one little weeny bra isn’t much evidence is it, and so just to make it worth their while I brought a few chums along.  If you just open that drawer there.  Oh look, lots and lots of lovely undies, and my word what’s that, oh a couple of towels and, yes, yes, there we are a lovely set of cutlery.  All out of the nice bag you carried upstairs for me, so helpfully.  Oh my word, do you think your finger prints’ll be on the handle – oh golly what a mess.

“Now then about my little stash of pills.  Shall we have an informed discussion?”

 

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The Flat Share

flat share

Chapter 11

“Right get me a screwdriver.”

“Oh, come on Joanie, you can’t break into her room.”

“Just bloody watch me. Aren’t you insulted? Why aren’t you incensed?  This is your bloody flat Charlie, it’s your home and this, this person who you don’t know from Adam has come in here, and put a bloody lock on the door.  You should be furious, okay if she had asked, well if she had asked I still would have been offended but, well for pity’s sake, don’t be such a wet dishcloth.  Oh, I can’t believe you some times, you just don’t stick up for yourself do you, never, ever.  You never have, you can’t let her come in here, waltz back and forth with no explanations, bring crap into the house in the middle of the night.  You haven’t even had a proper sit down with her yet have you, you haven’t sorted out any house rules, nothing. What if she turns up tomorrow with a pack of mates, they trash the place and then bugger off.  What’re you goin’ to do then, tidy up and not say anything in case she gets upset?  Don’t you see, puttin’ this lock on the door, she’s saying she doesn’t trust you, she’s sayin’ that she thinks that you’re going to go into her room and root around in her stuff.”

“Well, you are, we are, I did.”

“Oh bloody hell, you’re missing the point again aren’t you.  Yes, okay you did, but you did it in all innocence, you were taking her coffee, servin’ her bloody breakfast in soddin’ bed.”

“Yeah but I’m not taking her coffee now am I, we’re just breakin’ in now aren’t we.  I don’t think we should do it, I really don’t.”

“Oh stop that now, don’t start bloody blubbin’.  Look, in this day and age you have to get real, you don’t know what she’s got in there.  She could have a bomb factory.”

“Oh my god, she hasn’t has she, oh shit, shit, d’ya think, no, no that’s ridiculous, of course she hasn’t.”

“How do you know, you have no idea who she is, where she’s from, who her friends are.  It’s our duty to go in here and to find out what’s going on.  Then you can have a talk to her, if she is still wanting a lock on the door, well it’s up to you what you agree, personally I think it’s an insult.  I mean, a lock on the inside I can understand, in case she needs to be private, but this, this, no I’m sorry Charlie it’s just not on.  Give me that bloody screwdriver.  If you want to go and sit in the lounge while I do it, well go on then, but I’ll think you’re a wuss.”

“Oh, go on, just get it done with now, I’ll never sleep else, I’ll keep imagining her making bombs and all sorts of things.  You realise she’ll probably want to move out now don’t you.  You’d better help me get another flat mate.”

“I’ve told you I will.”

***

“Well, see it wasn’t a very big lock and it came off really easily, maybe she’s got some sort of phobia or something and she just needs to have a lock.”

“Oh shut up you twit.”

“Well, she might have.

“Right look over there beside the wardrobe, a pile of boxes. It’s like I told you they’re all the same and all sealed.”

“Yeah, no way that’s her stuff.  Oh well, in for a penny in for a pound as my old nan used to say.”

“What are you doin’, stop it Joanie, stop it, don’t, you can’t open them.”

“Oops, look the tape split when I accidently touched it with the screwdriver. Bloody hell look at this.”

“What, what is it.”

“Drugs.”

“Oh my god, no, what sort, do you know how to tell, is it Cannabis, Heroin, what.”

“Viagra.”

“Eh?”

“Viagra, boxes and boxes of Viagra.”

“What, let me look.  How weird, what do you reckon they’re for.”

“Really hard to say.”

“Joanie, don’t be so bloody daft, stop it, stop laughing, this isn’t funny, it’s not funny at all. Oh shit, that was the front door.”

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